Closure and forgiveness: thoughts on the human condition
Wherever we find ourselves in our lives, at whatever point in time that it may be, we are always the sum of our experiences. Since people are not perfect, that sum will be made up of lots of different things. What is important, if we are to learn, to grow and to ultimately find what we are all looking for - the freedom to live in peace and happiness - is to take time to reflect now and then, in order to make sure that we are becoming the people we want to be and that our lives are on the right paths.
I can safely say that I have had a been there, done that and bought the t-shirt style of interesting life and have done things that I am immensely proud of and my fair share of things that I would care never to repeat, but I do not regret. I have never done anything with malice or ill intent and I have taken responsibility for past regressions if I believe or even suspect they have caused pain, so I am current and live my life day to day, in service to others, knowing that life is the greatest teacher and I am its eager student. And because I know that good people are doing their best for where they are in their lives and states of consciousness, I do not judge others. It is not my place.
But people who do judge also seem to find forgiveness a tall order, and so it happened that some foolish things I did many, many years ago recently landed on my emotional doorstep and even though I had apologised profusely for what I had done, I was not forgiven. Although I do not take responsibility for someone harbouring what had clearly become some seriously disproportionate resentment towards me, there seemed to be something still in it. I pondered. A lot.
I reflected, recalling that at that time in my life, the sight loss was underway and I was living with undiagnosed ADHD. I had no focus, goals or even the slightest clue what life was all about, let alone what I wanted to do with mine. But there was still something niggling; something requiring closure, but it eluded me. Then, a few weeks later, I had a rather spectacular row with someone I hold very dear and realised that we hurt the people we love when we are hurting and that this is only because we love and trust them and let them into our hearts.
And so, there will be no closure, because as long as my heart is open to loving and being loved, there is also the possibility of hurting and feeling hurt and that is just the way it is. It is what makes us human.